As
a leader in the Young Warrior movement in MKP, I often get asked how the
older generation can support us. I also get accused of ignoring the gifts
that older men have to offer. And I am approached by older men who feel
abandoned (sadness) by us. This post by Jayson Gaddis is quite
thought-provoking on these issues, and while I dont
agree with everything in here, a lot of it resonated with me:
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photo by Ed Fell
Dear
elders,
WTF,
where are you?
Why are we not in
dialogue more and how come I get the feeling that you’re sitting on your ass
somewhere not caring about my generation? What is my part in our
disconnection?
When I make it about
me, I wonder what I’ve done to offend you. Did I piss you off? Have I been
too arrogant to listen to you? Are you only willing to show up if I pay you?
When I make it about
you, I judge you are the arrogant one. I have noticed that you show up only
when:
A.) I treat you with
blind respect.
B.) I don’t confront
you on anything, and
C.) I keep myself in
the role of student and you in the role of wise, expert.
When
I drop my stories and projections, I am simply hurt. At the end of the day, I
am hurt by your absence and I long for your presence in my life.
In my judgment, you
keep perpetuating the “old guard” mentality. The old guard
means that our relationship only works when you are the “sage on the
stage” and I remain the student.
Here’s
how I’m impacted when you perpetuate the old guard approach:
·
I
lose respect for you.
·
I
lost trust in you.
·
I
feel talked down to.
·
I
feel ignored, abandoned, rejected and unseen.
·
I
lose interest in connecting with you and your generation.
·
My
stories about your “old guard way” get affirmed.
“Elders and mentors
have an irreplaceable function in the life of any community. Without them,
the young are lost—their overflowing energies are wasted in useless pursuits.
In the absence of elders, the impetuosity of youth becomes the slow death of
the community.”
~ Maladoma Some
In my own life, time and time again, I have felt
abandoned by you. When I tried to confront you, I felt shamed and blown off.
When I called you out, I was made wrong. Whenever I wanted an equal
relationship with you, I felt rejected, abandoned and ignored. Eventually
because I wasn’t willing to participate in this painful dynamic, I bailed on
our connection.
During this process I was very hurt by your actions.
However, looking back I now see that your behavior was very helpful to me. I
needed to keep feeling dissed by you so I could get stronger in myself. I
needed you to avoid your own shadow, so that I could embrace mine. I also
needed to work through my “father wound” thus becoming a solid parent to
myself. In the biggest sense, your absence was a real gift to me.
Then, when I became a parent, you were nowhere to
be found.
Fortunately for me, in my pain and confusion, I
hired one of you (David Cates) to help me through this massive transition.
David
helped me relax more and get stronger in myself to meet the relentless
challenge of parenting two kids while maintaining a vibrant marriage—a huge
task for any new parent.
David eventually became a spiritual mentor to me, which was critical as
I entered a long, wobbly spiritual crisis (massive
appreciation brother!).
So, yes! I finally had
an elder show up for me during a very challenging time, but partly because I
was ready and I asked. Perhaps this is how it works? I have no idea.
And today, I
am learning from another elder Tom Daly as he, ironically, wonders
how to be an elder. It’s so inspiring to see an elder not know. Wow. His
humility has been a huge teaching
to me as we co-facilitate the Boulder Men’s Experience.
And yes, I
have high standards. I only want help from conscious, powerful, incredibly
mindful, self-aware, spiritually wise elders who surround themselves with
folks willing to call them on their bullshit. I want my elders to be human
beings, not superhuman or perfect God-like gurus.
Believe me, I’m cool with being a student, even though my ego can
get inflated. But I have found that I really, really dig being a student to other
teachers and elders willing to be transparent and own their shadows.
It’s a new time and there’s a new way emerging here.
For example, a senior teacher recently came to teach a group in our
community and she got schooled. She got schooled because she was bringing her
old guard way to a new, young, alive group of people who wanted to drink in
the now/new. They didn’t want a lecture from above. They wanted to be met, in
the moment with truth about what was going on right now between us
Meet me in this very moment with your humanity; then you can teach me.
Yes, there is still a place for your amazing teachings and wonderful
offerings. Just don’t assume I want your tips and tricks. I might not care
about that, but then again, I might. Wait and see with me. Elders like Tom
Daly, Ed Fell and David Cates consistently
model this type of eldership for me and I want more of
you to take notes from them.
Talk about
your struggles and challenges please.
Talk about
death, old age, sex, fucking, babies, drugs, war and intimacy. Make it
personal. Talk openly about whatever keeps you up at night. Show us how to be
human in the second-half of life because my culture’s way is a fear-based
train wreck. I want real human beings with real issues to lead me andlearn
from me.
And, even
though I’m asking you to engage here, I will no longer expect you to
engage. In other words, I want you
to show up and, I
don’t need you
to. Rather than wishing upon a star for what likely won’t happen, I am
instead asking myself what kind of elder I want to be. How will I show up
differently? I’m watching David, Ed and Tom very closely these days and so
appreciating their humility in finding their way as elders.
I want to
humbly remind you that contrary to previous generations you’ll need to earn my respect,
it’s not given.
Your lack of eldering has perhaps been the most valuable lesson of
all—that I don’t need elders in order to live my life. But man, I sure
want you here though, because I imagine my life and my community would be
even richer, more expansive, and fuller with your presence. My longing says
that I’d feel a lot more held and a whole lot less alone if you were with me on this ride.
Finally
elders, give me some
feedback. What am I doing, and what is my generation
doing to contribute to the rift between us? Help me understand. I’m
listening.
Respectfully,
Jayson Gaddis